Are You Paying Attention To Your Marriage?

“I pray that your love will keep on growing because of your knowledge and insight.” Philippians 1:9

Every marriage is always either growing together or growing apart. Relationships can’t stand still.

So how can you keep your marriage growing? Paul prayed, “I pray that your love will keep on growing because of your knowledge and insight” (Philippians 1:9). It takes knowledge and insight! A good marriage doesn’t just happen; it takes effort.

One of the most important ways to keep your marriage growing is to keep on paying attention. Attention means love. When you’re paying attention to somebody, you’re saying, “I value you. You matter to me. You’re worth listening to.”

When you give somebody your attention, you’re actually giving them your life, because your time is your life and you’re never going to get that time back. So the most valuable thing you can give somebody is your attention.

Paying attention is how you fell in love in the first place! You began to pay attention to somebody, and that somebody began to pay attention to you.

Do you remember how much attention you used to give to your spouse early in your relationship? You bought flowers, wrote notes, and made phone calls. You talked for hours. In all those ways, you were saying, “You have my undivided attention.” But the longer you’re married, the more complacent you tend to become. Your attention is spread to bills, babies, budgets, careers, and hobbies. And the marriage begins to deteriorate.

So let me remind you of a couple of reasons you need to keep paying attention to your spouse. The first is that you love your spouse. And love means paying attention. The second is that God may be speaking to you through your spouse.

The Bible says, “God speaks in different ways, and we don’t always recognize his voice” (Job 33:14). Sometimes we don’t recognize God’s voice because we’re not listening. But God may by wanting to say something to you right now, and your spouse is the closest megaphone he can find!

Sometimes we don’t pay attention to our spouse because of pride; we think we know it all. Sometimes it’s because of presumption; we think we know what they’re going to say. And other times we’re just in a hurry! But God gives us the antidote to that: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you automatically will be slow to get angry. And it will keep your marriage growing and going. You must keep on paying attention.

More Ways To Get A Marriage Makeover

In order for your marriage to be all that it can be, you may need to ask God for a marriage makeover. Yesterday we learned it’s important to accept responsibility for your part, believe God can change your marriage, and commit to doing whatever it takes. Here are three things more you can do:

To get a marriage makeover, you must deal with unresolved hurt. You do that two ways by asking for forgiveness and by offering forgiveness. 

There will be times when you need to admit to your spouse that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. The Living Bible paraphrase says, “Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). There are three little words you must learn to say in marriage: I was wrong.

The Living Bible says this: “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13). If you’ve decided “I’m not going to forgive them,” you are choosing to ruin your marriage. A marriage cannot make it without forgiveness on a daily basis. 

Next, to get a marriage makeover, you must enlist support from others.

Don’t go through struggles alone. The truth is our culture tends to work against successful marriages. You can find plenty of people who will say to you, “Just get out. Don’t put yourself through this.”

It might take some work to find people who will support and strengthen your marriage. Proverbs 24:3 says, “It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong”. Seek out a wise friend or church counselor, a marriage mentor, or a couple whose marriage you admire.

Lastly, to get a marriage makeover, you must focus on trusting Jesus.

You’ve got to put him at the center of your life and marriage. “We must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith” (Hebrews 12:3).  

Marriage is a three-legged stool. A two-legged stool will fall over because it has no stability. It takes three to make a marriage work—you, your spouse, and God. God never meant for marriage to be just two. You need Christ at the center of your life and marriage.

Some of you think you married the wrong person. So what should you do? Divorce them? God wants to say to you today, “No! You made a vow. Let me do a miracle makeover. I will change you and your spouse, and I will give you the marriage you’ve always dreamed of if you’ll do it my way.” Friend, love is a choice. It’s not totally out of your control. If you choose to love, the feelings will return.

How To Get A Marriage Make Over

Let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up.” Galatians 6:9

God specializes in marriage makeovers. He specializes in bringing dead, stagnant, and stale things to life again. 

If you’ve ever watched a makeover on TV, you know that the point isn’t to make someone totally different but to enhance what they’ve already got. In a marriage makeover, God does the same thing. He wants to take what you and your spouse already have and make something fresh, exciting, attractive, fulfilling, and wonderful out of it. 

The first step to a marriage makeover is to accept responsibility for your part.

Galatians 6:5 says, “Each person must be responsible for himself”.You can’t control your spouse’s actions or attitudes. All you can do is work on changing yourself. When you work on you and stop trying to work on them, the equation changes. When you act differently, your spouse will have no choice but to relate to you in a new way.

The biggest barrier to accepting responsibility is what I call the myth of incompatibility. We’ve all heard someone say, “We’re just incompatible.” The problem is really an issue of maturity. I want what I want; you want what you want. I’m stubborn; you’re stubborn. I’m selfish; you’re selfish. On the other hand, if you can accept responsibility for your part in the problems, you can begin to heal your marriage.

The second step to a marriage makeover is to believe God can change your marriage.

You may be feeling deep hurt or disappointment or apathy about your marriage. Regardless of how you feel, let me tell you this one truth: God has not given up on your marriage; he can do what you can’t do. 

God doesn’t want to give you a marriage makeover in order to trap you or make your life miserable. He hates divorce; he knows how it hurts his children. He wants your marriage to work because he knows the joy it can bring to your life.

The third step to a marriage makeover is to commit to doing whatever it takes.

The Living Bible paraphrase says this: “Let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up” (Galatians 6:9). Whenever you see a great marriage, you can be sure it didn’t come from luck. It came from a lot of effort. Great marriages don’t just happen. If your marriage is going to get better, it’s going to take real effort. 

How do you find the emotional energy to begin to make the effort? Pray and obey. Pray to God for the strength to keep fighting for your marriage, and then obey what he tells you to do.  

Keeping Your Marriage Afloat

God . . . gives life to the dead and . . . creates something out of nothing.”
Romans 4:17

God wants you to enjoy your marriage, but he also wants to use it to help you grow spiritually. Yesterday we looked at two things that can sink a marriage, and today we’re going to look at two more.

The third thing that can sink a marriage is unresolved issues. 

Some issues come up in marriage over and over, and yet you never resolve them. Maybe you don’t want to talk about them or they’re too personal. It could be finances or sex or in-laws or kids or communication. Unresolved issues can move a marriage from harmony to hostility to apathy.

Some unresolved issues come from what you learned growing up. When you got married, you weren’t a blank slate. You grew up in a family that had certain ways of doing things—habits and patterns that you thought were normal—some healthy, some unhealthy. Your spouse grew up in another family with ways of doing things that they thought were normal. So you both came into the marriage with different definitions of “normal,” and that can create unresolved issues. 

Marriage doesn’t create problems, it reveals them. It shows the areas you need to work on. For example, maybe you have a grudge against your parent. After you get married, any time your spouse reminds you of something you disliked about your parents, you may take that unresolved anger from the past and turn it on the person you love most. 

If you’re doing that, let me just say two things: one, it’s not fair to your spouse. And two, you are killing your marriage. The best way to heal a marriage is to get some closure on the past. 

The fourth thing that can sink a marriage is unforgiven hurts. 

Mistakes that aren’t forgiven put up walls and move marriages from harmony to hostility to apathy. The truth is we’re imperfect and we hurt each other sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. We sin. We fail. We’re selfish. You’re going to be hurt in life, and the person who has the greatest potential to hurt you is the person you love most. 

That’s why forgiveness must become a daily habit in marriage. If you hold on to hurts and don’t let go of mistakes, those wounds fester and get worse.

What is the worst sin in marriage? It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s actually unforgiveness. Unforgiveness holds every other sin captive. If you hold on to every hurt and use it as ammunition, that will sink your marriage. Forgive. Let it go. Nothing destroys a marriage faster than unforgiveness. 

After learning about the four things that can destroy a marriage, you might be thinking, “Rick, you just described my marriage. Is there any hope?” Yes, there is. Romans 4:17 says, “God who gives life to the dead and who creates something out of nothing”. And if God can raise a dead person, he can raise a dead marriage. 

How To Keep Your Marriage From Sinking

God . . . raises the dead to life and creates new things.” Romans 4:17

It’s possible to have the marriage you’ve always dreamed of if you do it God’s way. The Bible says, “God . . . raises the dead to life and creates new things” (Romans 4:17).

In our world today, many people find that their fairytale wedding has turned into a horror story.  If you can relate, God wants to give you a marriage makeover to change you, change your spouse, and change your marriage into one that’s happy and honoring to you and God.

Before you can improve your marriage, you’ve got to understand what causes marriages to go from harmony to hostility to apathy. There are four things that can cause this, and today we’re going to look at the first two. 

The first thing that can sink a marriage is unrealistic expectations. 

There is no area of life where we have higher and more unrealistic expectations than we do in marriage. People think marriage will make their lives completely perfect, but they’ve been misled. Hollywood loves to show us the unrealistic movie romance or the picture-perfect wedding day or the flawless honeymoon.

The truth is, every marriage is made up of two imperfect people. And when you put two imperfect people together, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Part of keeping a marriage from becoming hostile or apathetic is realizing you need to grow up. Be realistic. Your spouse isn’t perfect, and neither are you.

The second thing that can sink a marriage is unaccepted differences. 

You and your spouse are different. Have you learned that yet? Once you recognize that, then you need to choose to accept their differences. If you don’t, you’ll eventually start to resent them.

You’ve all heard the cliché that opposites attract. It’s true. Before marriage, you tend to overestimate what you do have in common and underestimate what you don’t have in common.

But after marriage, too often opposites attack. What used to fascinate you now frustrates you. Men and women think very differently. You’ve probably heard the old saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. That’s not true. We’re not from two different planets; we’re from two different galaxies! So you have to learn to get along and accept your differences.

That doesn’t mean to just tolerate them. It means to value them. In God’s wisdom, he always puts opposites together for a purpose. 

Did you know that if you’re married, God’s number one tool for helping you grow spiritually is your spouse? He uses your differences intentionally to help you grow.

Tomorrow, we’re going to look at the other two causes that can sink a marriage, which you need to understand before you begin the work of improving your relationship with your spouse.

What Makes A Marriage Stand?

He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure.” Isaiah 33:6

It takes three to make a marriage stand. Not two, but three. You, your spouse, and Christ.

God never meant for you to go through your marriage with just the two of you working on it. Marriage is a three-legged stool. Think about it. You’ve never seen a two-legged stool. A two-legged stool will fall over. It has no stability. A stool must have a third leg.

In the same way, if all you’ve got in your marriage is each other, it isn’t enough. You need you, your spouse, and God for your marriage to stand.

The Bible says, “They will know God’s secret, which is Christ himself. He is the key that opens all the hidden treasures of God’s wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:2).

I live in an area where earthquakes are common. We all know that if you don’t have a strong foundation, your home is going to fall when the earthquake comes.

In your life, you’re going to face a lot of earthquakes. You’re going to have some health earthquakes. You’re going to have some financial earthquakes. You’re going to have some emotional earthquakes. You’re going to have all kinds of problems and stresses. If you don’t have a solid foundation for your marriage, it’s not going to be stable.

So what is that solid foundation? Jesus Christ. The Bible promises, “He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure”(Isaiah 33:6).

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to commit it to Jesus Christ. First, you and your spouse open your lives to him. Then, as you make him number one in your individual lives, you ask him to be number one in your relationship. 

Marriage Is About Commitment

Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.”  Malachi 2:16

What one word would you use to summarize the whole marriage relationship? “Love” might be the first word to come to mind. But I think a better word is “commitment.” Given the right circumstances, just about any two people can develop loving feelings toward each other. But commitment is at the heart of marriage.

The marriage commitment is one that God expects us to keep. He has strong words about divorce: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel. ‘. . . Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife’” (Malachi 2:16). Divorce is a reality in our world, and I’m thankful for God’s grace and forgiveness. But divorce isn’t God’s ideal. His ideal is that each man and woman who vow to stay together for life keep that commitment.

So let me encourage you: If you’re married, throw away the key. Don’t offer yourself an escape hatch. When you said, “Till death do us part,” that was a lifelong commitment. Don’t leave divorce as an option.

Commitment may mean being unhappy or unsatisfied during some seasons, but in most cases, commitment will lead to a more rewarding, fulfilling relationship in the long-term.

One thing that can help keep your commitment to each other strong is contact, or physical affection. Everyone, whether you’re married or not, needs physical contact. Babies who receive more physical touch tend to thrive, and physical touch has been proven to extend the lifespan of adults.

In the early days of a relationship, couples sometimes have a hard time keeping their hands off each other. But as the years go on, sometimes that affection fades. You get tired. You get busy. You let little resentments build up.

I want to encourage you to do this: Act with affection toward your spouse, even if you don’t feel affectionate. Loving actions often lead to loving feelings.

Of course, in marriage, physical affection includes sex. In fact, God gave you sex to help cement your marriage together. The Message paraphrase says, “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one’” (1 Corinthians 6:16)

If you find yourself in a hard season of marriage, take a look at your commitment to each other and how intentional you’ve been about physical affection. And if you’re having trouble in those areas, get help! A good counselor can help you work through any trouble you’re having with physical intimacy and give you practical ways to keep your commitments to each other.

In Marriage Think ‘We’, Not ‘Me’

You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common.” 1 Corinthians 1:10

When you get married, it’s time to start thinking of “we” instead of “me.” The Message paraphrase says it like this: “You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common” (1 Corinthians 1:10). When you’re considerate of someone else, you pay attention to them, show them courtesy, and treat them with respect and care.

Notice that 1 Corinthians says you need to “learn to be considerate.” It doesn’t come naturally! By nature, we’re selfish. We think about our own needs, hurts, and wants before we think about anyone else. But one of God’s purposes for marriage is to teach us to become more considerate, because that’s how Jesus treats people.

Are you ready to learn to be more considerate in your marriage and even in your other relationships? Here are three practical ways to show consideration to the people around you:

Offer practical help. Consideration means noticing what the other person needs and taking the initiative to ask, “Can I help you?” The Bible teaches, “Serve one another humbly in love” (Galatians 5:13 NIV).

Sometimes we’re helpful to each other in big ways, but usually it’s in small ways. Consideration looks like stopping what you’re doing to help your wife bring the groceries in. It looks like putting the kids to bed when your husband is tired. It looks like working together to do weekend chores so you both can have free time later.

Sympathize with their doubts and fears. The Living Bible paraphrase says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (Romans 15:1). We often think other people’s fears are irrational, while we take our own fears very seriously. But in a strong marriage, you take your spouse’s fears seriously too.

Forgive their mistakes. You’re imperfect and you married an imperfect person, and that makes it impossible for two imperfect people to have a perfect marriage. Sinners marry sinners, so all marriages need massive doses of forgiveness. The Bible says, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13). Forgiveness is one of the primary building blocks of marriage. And it’s a way of showing consideration.

James 3 teaches, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is . . . considerate” (James 3:17). If you want to be wise in your marriage, you need to learn to be considerate of your spouse!

Communication Is The Key

Reliable communication permits progress.” Proverbs 13:17

God’s ideal for your marriage is harmony, unity, and intimacy. The Bible says, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one” (Ephesians 5:31-32).

The reality is, most marriages fall short of that ideal. But there are some keys that can help unlock the potential of your marriage and help it become all God wants it to be.

One key to a great marriage is communication. The Living Bible paraphrase says, “Reliable communication permits progress” (Proverbs 13:17). If you want to make progress in any relationship, you have to learn how to talk with each other. 

We all have different styles and needs when it comes to communication. One spouse may communicate in facts while the other mostly communicates in emotions. One may communicate in sound bites while the other communicates in mega bites. Good communication in a marriage considers the style of the other person.

Good communication is also honest and straightforward. The Message paraphrase says, “Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong” (Matthew 5:37). 

And sometimes, good communication means that you need to compromise. If you’ve been married longer than a day, you know there are some things you’re just never going to see eye to eye on. In fact, one reason God has given you a spouse is so you can look at life through a different set of lenses. Your background, your personality, and your wiring can all make you see life differently from how your spouse does. And if you don’t compromise, it will lead to destruction. “If a household is divided against itself, that household will not last” (Mark 3:25). 

Couples have to learn to compromise about how they raise their kids, where they spend their holidays, how much time they spend with the in-laws, how their house is decorated, and even what physical intimacy is like in their relationship.

At the end of the day, compromise is about maturity and learning to be unselfish.  The Message paraphrase says, “May . . . God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all” (Romans 15:5).

And really, it’s all about learning to love each other well. At the heart of compromise, and all good communication, is love. Paul writes, “Love . . . does not demand its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NLT).

Are You Emotionally Healthy?

A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone.” Proverbs 20:7

If you don’t get married until you find the perfect wife or perfect husband, you’ll never marry, because no one is perfect. But you do need to marry someone who’s emotionally healthy and growing. And you need to make sure you’re growing in those areas too.

The Bible has a lot to say about emotional health. Here’s a list of emotional health factors from God’s Word:

An emotionally healthy person doesn’t have uncontrolled anger. “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person. Do not associate with one easily angered” (Proverbs 22:24). An angry spouse will eventually direct their anger toward you.

An emotionally healthy person doesn’t have addictions. “Don’t associate with people who drink too much or stuff themselves with food” (Proverbs 23:20). Food and alcohol are mentioned here, but there are countless ways to be addicted, including to technology, pornography, and even spending money.

An emotionally healthy person is not bitter. “Make sure that everyone has kindness  from God so that bitterness doesn’t take root and grow up to cause trouble that corrupts many of you” (Hebrews 12:15). Bitterness is a like a poison; it eats you alive.

An emotionally healthy person is not selfish. “Selfish people cause trouble” (Proverbs 28:25). The number one cause of conflict in marriage, when you boil it all down, is simple: selfishness. 

An emotionally healthy person is not greedy. “Whoever is greedy . . . brings trouble to his family” (Proverbs 15:27 GW). And Proverbs 23:6 makes it even more blatant: “Don’t eat with people who are stingy” (NLT).

An emotionally healthy person is generous and kind. “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25). And Proverbs 11:17 says, “Kindness is rewarded— but if you are cruel, you hurt yourself”.

An emotionally healthy person tells the truth. “A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone” (Proverbs 20:7). Love is based on trust, and trust is based on truth.

Maybe you’ve read through this list and realized that many of these qualities are missing in the person you’re dating. If so, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. And if you see some of these qualities missing in your own life, ask God to help you grow before you commit to marriage.

Of course, if you’re married already, it’s never too late for you and your spouse to realize where you’re emotionally immature, commit to change, and ask for God’s help as you grow toward emotional health.